Stupid Crook Book

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Ymoto lent me a book titled 'The Stupid Crook Book' and thinks I should share it with you guys. Each story will be a new post. Well, (Mario's voice) here we go.

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Larceny is defined as the taking and removing of another person's personal property. The property in question in usually valuable, but in the case of one Seattle, Washington man, the stolen property was just plain crap. Police arrived on the scene at a recreational vehicle park to discover a very sick man vomiting and complaining of stomach cramps. The man admitted he had attempted to siphon gas from a motor home but had inadvertently put the siphon tube into the wrong tank. Instead of gasoline, the man had sucked out the contents of the sewage holding tank. The owner declined to press charges, as he was too busy laughing.

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“This is a bank robbery of the Federal Reserve Bank ofDallas, Texas. Give me all the money.
Thank you, Ronnie Darnell Bell.”

Note found on alleged intended bank robber Ronnie Darnell Bell.

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The alarm sounded at the Buffum-Downtown YMCA in Long Beach, California and the police arrive within five minutes. They soon discovered two men trying to steal six forty-five-pound barbells that were loaded into a rickety shopping cart. Too bad the thieves were two ninety-five-pound weaklings, because the shopping cart kept tipping over on them as they tried to escape. “They weren’t even very big guys,” said Tim Hardy, physical education director at the gym. When the police cornered them, the two thieves struggled to lift the barbells into a trash bin. They were quickly arrested and placed on $5,000 bond each. There was no explanation why the two dumbbells wanted the six barbells-they were only worth about sixty cents a pound. Maybe they knew they would eventually be arrested and wanted to tone up before going to prison.

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We all know the scene in the movies where the would-be robber sticks his finger in his pocket and pretends it’s a gun, right? Well apparently one robber thought that was a good idea and tried it out in an attempt to rob a Bank of America in Merced, California. But he forgot one thing-he forgot to hide his finger in his pocket. The index-indicating idiot pointed his uncovered finger, with his thumb cocked, of course, at the teller, demanding money. The teller asked the robber to wait, then walked away. After some time the bank robber got tired of waiting. He unloaded his finger, walked across the street to another bank. This time he tried a different approach. He leaped over the counter and tried to wrestle the cash-drawer key from a teller. An employee grabbed the key and told the thwarted thief to “get out of there,” according to Sergeant Gary Austin. The two-time loser was arrested shortly thereafter when he was discovered sitting in a clump of nearby shrubs. I guess now every time he sticks his finger up his nose it can be considered a suicide attempt.

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Most of the stories in this book show how one, or maybe two, very stupid actions can result in the arrest of a criminal. But one Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania criminal (whom I’ll lovingly refer to as Our Crook) holds the record for moronic moves-eight to be exact. Here they are, in chronological order, a clumsy criminal’s attempts to break into a shed, a garage and a home.
Moronic Move Number One: Our Crook smashes his fist through a window in the shed-shredding his hand.
Moronic Move Number Two: Our Crook successfully breaks into the second story of the nearby garage. The garage is dark; Our Crook doesn’t have a flashlight, doesn’t see the hole in the floor, falls through it, and winds up bruised, dazed, and confused on the first floor.
Moronic Move Number Three: While staggering around on the first floor of the garage, our bewildered burglar falls into the grease pit-cracking his cranium.
Moronic Move Number Four: The garage has gotten the best of Our Crook, so he decides to break into the house. He shatters the window in the front door, creeps inside, and promptly tumbles down the cellar stairs.
Moronic Move Number Five: Our Crook finally realizes this isn’t his day. He leaves the house and gets into his car. He drives downhill, loses control of his car, and hits a tree. His already damaged head strikes the steering wheel with great force.
Moronic Move Number Six: Not wanting any criminal element getting away with his getaway car, Our Crook gets out of his car and locks all the doors. For some reason he then retraces his steps into the garage and retraces his fall into the grease pit.
Moronic Move Number Seven: Our Crook staggers out of the garage and decides to go back home. He reaches into his pocket to retrieve his car keys but can’t find them. He smashes his car’s rear window, climbs in over the back seat, and breaks the gearshift getting the car into neutral. As the car begins rolling down the hill, Our Crook pops the clutch to jump-start the car-and he succeeds, but he can’t unlock the steering wheel. He crashes into a second tree.
Moronic Move Number Eight: The third blow to his head causes Our Crook to lose consciousness. His noggin falls against the steering wheel, setting off the car horn. The blaring horn alerts the neighbors, who call the cops, who arrest Our Crook. He pleads guilty to a charge of criminal mischief (he never actually stole anything) and is christened the Bad-Luck Burglar by the police.
I don’t know about you, but I feel humbled in the presence of such overwhelming stupidity.

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You’re in the middle of a home robbery. You’ve just discovered a diamond ring but you’re wondering where the other “good” stuff could be hidden. What do you do? Well one burglar found himself in such a predicament picked up the phone and called the psychic hotline. The thief didn’t just have a quick chat with the psychic; he stayed on the line to total $250 in charges. How was our nonclairvoyant criminal apprehended? While chatting away with the psychic, he used his real name. When the phone bill came in later that month, the homeowners saw the outrageous 900-number call and called the police, who traced it back to the psychic. Even though the crook was dumb enough to use his real name, a truly gifted psychic, in my opinion, should have known who he was anyway.

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According to the FBI, the average number of bank robbers who are arrested each year because they were stupid enough to write their holdup notes on the backs of their own deposit slips: forty-five.

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Natron Fubble quickly entered a Miami delicatessen and placed his order. Instead of asking for a nice egg salad sandwich, Fubble asked for all the money in the cash register. And instead of giving him the cold, hard cash, the owner smashed him in the face with a cold, hard salami. Fubble fumbled out of the delicatessen and hid himself and his pulsating proboscis in the trunk of a parked car. Unknown to Fubble, he had chosen as his hideaway the trunk of an undercover police team who were staked out observing another criminal’s activities. Police officers finally heard Fubble’s moaning and his attempts to breathe through his salami-snapped septum. But they didn’t discover him immediately; you see, the officers weren’t in the car at the time of Fubble’s arrival . . . and didn’t return to it for five days. Being locked in the trunk for five days, it’s probably a good thing Fubble’s nose was out of commission.

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Things were going smoothly for a burglar as he broke into the Hill-Rom Corporation in Pennsauken, New Jersey. He had opened the door and, as he had seen hundreds of times in the movies, he knew exactly how to keep the lock from latching behind him. He removed a piece of paper from his pocket, folded it, and carefully placed the paper between the latch and the door frame, ensuring that the door wouldn't lock while he was scampering about inside, cleaning out the place. His deed done, he left through the door he had ingeniously rigged and made his escape. When the police arrived to investigate the robbery, they noticed a folded piece of paper by the doorjamb. They opened it and the case was solved. It wasn't a confession-it was a traffic ticket. The ticket, complete with home address and telephone number, had been issued to the burglar the night before, citing him for driving with a cracked windshield. He was promptly arrested and all the stolen property was recovered. A cracked windshield, huh? Sounds like a pretty good description of the suspect, doesn't it?

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In Wellington, New Zealand, a young man held a radio-station manager hostage, locked the both of them in the studio, and forced him to play the song “The Rainbow Connection” by Kermit the Frog.

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“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again” must have been running through the mind of this story’s repeat offender sometime during his short criminal career. The Troy, Alabama, man was arrested and plead guilty to breaking into the Déjà Vu store-twice. Our recidivist, who apparently wasn't very original, smashed the same window and stole much of the same merchandise. He was arrested because the same witness identified him both times. I wonder if he’ll get off because of the rule of double jeopardy?

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A survey published in Whittle Communications’ SPECIAL REPORT magazine revealed that 27 percent of home burglars like to raid the refrigerator while on the job.

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The clerk stood terrified as the knife-wielding robber loomed in front of him. He did just as he was asked, turning over everything in the cash register, all sixty-nine dollars. But the thief wanted more. On his way out he confiscated a pair of tan hiking boots, then hit the getaway trail. The accused robber was apprehended and held over for trial. During the proceedings the clerk positively identified the defendant as the man who perpetrated the robbery-but other than an identification, the prosecuting attorney had little evidence to convict. That's when the defendant started feeling confidant about getting released and propped his feet up on the table. "I leaned over and stared," said Judge James Fleetwood. "I said, 'Surely nobody would be so stupid as to wear the boots he stole to his trial.'" The clerk quickly identified the tan boots on the defendant's feet as the ones lifted from his store. The jury barely turned on their heels before they found him guilty of aggravated robbery. He was taken away and his boots were confiscated. "We sent him back to jail in his stocking feet," Fleetwood added. If they always remove stolen items from your person before they send you to jail, it's a good thing the guy hadn't stolen a pair of pants and underwear.

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A patrolman in Suffield, Connecticut, spotted a speeding car and begun pursuit. The officer was informed that the vehicle matched the description of one used in the robbery of a bakery seven miles north of town. The driver looked in the rear view mirror and quickly realized he was being chased. He thought he would outsmart the cops-but you've got to have smarts to do that. He pulled into a spacious parking lot, jumped out of his car, and ran into the front lobby of a large building to hide. He was surprised, however, when the doors closed behind him and locked. "I believe he thought it was a mall," said Patrolman Michael Lewandowski. "But I've never seen too many malls with razor wire across the top." The fast-driving but slow-thinking criminal had pulled into the parking lot of MacDougall Correctional Institution, a high-security prison. He was charged with several motor vehicle offenses and with being a fugitive from justice. And some people claim men are bad with directions-this guy knew where he was headed all along.

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A woman in Southborough, Massachusetts, accidentally dialed 911 instead of directory assistance, 411, then quickly hung up when she heard the emergency dispatcher. She didn't think anything about her misdialing until a few minutes later, when two police officers knocked at her door. The woman tried to dismiss the officers and they became suspicious because she was acting so-well, suspicious. The officer and his partner convinced the woman to let them look around and make sure everything was all right. She looked at her husband, he nodded, and they let the officers in. The officers walked through the house and didn't notice anything unusual, until they saw the woman trying to hide a cigar box and bong. According to the officers, the cigar box contained only a small amount of marijuana-but after a few questions by the police, the woman and her husband showed the officers where the rest of their stash was hidden. They were arrested. And people still wonder why they call it dope.

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A woman in Elgin, Texas, was arrested and charged with shoplifting. The woman was seen taking an item off the shelf, walking around the store devouring the contents, and then leaving without paying for it. She was charged with stealing a jar of pickled pigs' feet.

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"What's taking so long?" thought one of the two robbers of a local grocery store in Larch Barrens, Maryland. The dimwitted duo thought the laser they had stolen earlier would cut through the store's safe like it was butter. Maybe they had the setting wrong. Maybe the safe was stronger than they thought. Or maybe they were just stupid. When the police arrived, the two were still hunched over the safe, trying to cut through to the money hidden inside. The police confiscated the laser, and the two admitted thy had stolen it from a local amusement center earlier in the day. It was a Lazer Tag gun, a battery-operated toy, and the two had been shining its harmless light on the safe for nearly an hour before the police arrived. Beam me up, Scotty. There's no sign of intelligent life on this planet.

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The timing was off for a bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts. He pulled off the heist at 4:30 P.M. and tried to make his getaway through downtown North Adams. Stuck in rush-hour traffic, he was apprehended by an officer on foot.

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Images of a feast with sirloins and ribs, T-bone steaks, filet mignon, veal, roasts and other delicacies must have crossed the minds of the thieves when they broke into a commercial freezer and stole nine bundles wrapped in black plastic. As they loaded up their car, they probably discussed what would be good side items: baked potatoes, a garden salad with vinaigrette dressing Jell-O? Their mouths were watering, and they couldn't wait to get home and fire up the grill. They lost their appetites, I'm sure, when they unwrapped the packages and discovered the frozen bodies of dogs, cats, and a ferret or two. Apparently the crooks didn't notice that the freezer was located behind the Paradise Valley Road Pet Hospital. There could be a new advertising slogan in all this: "Fido, the other white meat!"